Axe

I recently made a mind-blowing life changing discovery. So the aim of this article will be to bring that to you, give examples and hopefully enough intel so that you too can make use of it.

Background pertinent information.

I recently discovered I was Aspergers i.e. Autistic i.e. Neurodivergent. During this last 1% of my life such analysis has lead me to be able to have personal developmental AHAH moments, where true clarity is brought to me and I can, due to my knowledge, apply changes that have a lasting impact. 

I have always been called “brutally honest.”  Although to me this is just me and how I think and am I have gathered enough experiences and slaps to the face (sometimes literally!), punches in the stomach, carpet pulled from under me to realise that yes this does bring me prejudice…. Suffice to say that as I got older I became more and more scared to say anything – even though what I have to say is generally correct and exact (I am a Virgo after all !!) And extremely pertinent. 

I should add that my mouth and brain are disconnected and in spite of my best efforts I can not turn my young seven times or think even before I speak – until very recently…

This is obviously what drove my ex-husband mad and to his violence (so I thought for many years) even if violence is not acceptable – I did not take it lying down either – it takes two to tango, no matter the conditions – passion is very subjective. And verbal abuse became my norm… Another story another topic just throwing it in the mix (see perfect example?!) 

So this recent event where I had been with someone I love to bits -online though- and out of the blue I was told that I was way off the mark, had to control myself or else loose ‘what I had worked so hard for’ Needless to say I was let go from an airplane, just dropped down into the abyss that is mine, free falling…..

Now because I know I am neurodivergent, because I have done a lot of research, because I have years of personal development, because I am a scientist, because I am a Virgo,

my mind went into analysis mode and came up with the answer pretty fast – my heart was on the line here guys and I was not about to have it broken.

It was a French phrase that clinched it for me ‘l’épée Damoclès’ That sword that hangs by a thread… 

This is what I had hanging over my head all my life and how could you not live in fear 

Fear of never knowing if what you say will be misconstrue ?

Fear of never having time to explain what you meant?

Fear of speaking before your brain had interpreted?

Fear of ‘what did I say’? 

Fear of speaking in public? Private?

Yet knowing 

You can not stop yourself from talking 

You love to natter

You love to point out :

The great big blue sky above

The bird singing

That wave

That blade of grass

That flower that smells so 

That woman’s lovely dress

That man’s bizarre socks

How lovely this pen is to write with 

Oh the lyrics in that song 

How warm the wind is 

How the air feels on your skin

Did you take the label off that t-shirt because it scratched

Those washing up gloves are so soft inside 

How your shoes squeak 

Do you hear that buzzing sound

Is that green to you or grey……

I shall spare you what I feel going on inside the body- my body and yours too that I feel so strongly too!

So yes I am hypersensitive to everything and notice stuff and want others to share the simple pleasures in life that you simply want to share, the gratitude you want people to feel for simply living and they seem to miss it because they are preoccupied with things of mundane life – yes important but how can worrying about paying the bill or is the light on in the bathroom, how can that bring joy to anyone’s life?

Of course I think about that too but not as much as the rest – I am a joyous being BE-ING. And in fact I don’t know any other way and it wasn’t until recently that I discovered not everyone is like that – which helped me understand why I was saying the wrong things!

So having found out that living with this sword of Damocles having over my head 24/7 and having attended a workshop about trauma and autism I realised that I probably did suffer from PTSD too. Shock but the information is taken, digested and now I may act upon it.  Which I have been doing these past few months. The real bonus of knowing you’re neurodiverse (label) is that the analysis of all the tons of personal development I have done in the past can be put to use with the right questions being asked and the work is pretty fast to integrate because it’s like inserting a floppy disk in a USB port – errr no can do, but once you know then you get a USB key and voilà.

Back to these axes…. Well swords 

I saw this image and really loved the axe- but when I awoke the next morning I saw how the sharp, cutting edges had cut me up like butter. 

How to heal was difficult 

how many of these cuts do I really have? 

How old are they? 

How far back to the cuts go?

How deep are they?

When was the first one?

So these questions are obviously in need of attention YET I did marvel at the progress I had made (very new for me to acknowledge this type of behaviour and loving it!) marvel at the greatness of the body to carry on regardless of these cuts – because I have talked about one type of trauma but there are many for us humans. And as women we do tend to be more violent towards our bodies than need be – too fat, not pretty enough to name the obvious we tell ourselves and are blatantly beaten up for by society with the magazines, adverts….

So the moral of the story is this :

First off know thyself 

Once I found out about my neurodivergence life became simpler to analyse

Secondly Seek a coach

You can not do it alone – initially you need to know which road to travel

Thirdly Integrate the knowledge

This can only be done once you know who you are 

& Fourthly acceptance is key

Accept YOU 

You are a being 

You are a body

You are spiritual

You are all you have 

You are love.

Should you need help visit my porgrams

You can also read this on medium.com